Messy is ok because perfect isn't the goal

*****Here is a post I wrote yesterday for the IF:Amarillo blog.  It's up today, and I thought I would post it here too.  Only 2 more days until IF:!*****

IF:Table. It’s so simple: 1 simple meal, 6 women, 4 questions, and 2 hours. So why do I get so nervous just thinking about it.

Well it doesn’t take a psychotherapist to figure out the source of my nervousness. It is clear to me that each and every reason I am nervous about hosting an IF:Table is centered around my perfectionism.

My perfectionism is my worst enemy. I want picturesque table settings in my crumb free home with a meal that Giada De Laurentiis would crank out.

This season of my life, that isn’t what IF:Table at my house will look like. Even if I pull off a delicious meal and decorated my table, my kids make more messes in a day than a demo construction team. As I write this, my 4 year old is literally crushing up packing peanuts on my carpet. Oh my. I’m not making this up. It’s happening.

Let me keep writing and get the vacuum out later.

The problem with perfect is it doesn’t exist. It robs us of having sweet, honest, intimate, unperfect moments with other people in our lives.

The other problem with perfect is that it isn’t what people are expecting or even want. If five women sign up to attend my IF:Table and give up a day of their month to attend, they are not expecting to show up to the home version of B. L. Bistro.

Because if they did show up to the perfect meal, decor, and setting, it would honestly be off-putting and superficial. It wouldn’t come from humility or hospitality.

Hospitality is defined as the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers. That is all. Nothing about centerpieces or immaculate homes or julienne cut veggies in that definition.

What women are craving isn’t a Bible study wrapped in a gourmet restaurant experience. They want honest conversations about faith and God around a simple meal.

I can do that. You can do that.

Pray about signing up to host an IF:Table at your real-life home. We will have forms and cards at the event to for you to volunteer to host or attend an IF:Table.

“And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts....” Acts 2:46 ESV

Why I can't imagine not going back

Last week my friend and mission trip leader for the August 2015 ACT trip Shelly Wilson posted a blog titled "Why I'm Going Back."  She explained all the reasons why she felt that God wanted her to go on another mission trip to Ethiopia this summer, even though she, her husband, and her daughter had gone to Ethiopia last summer.

It was great blog post, and you should totally read it.

This weekend I filled out my application to be on her mission team in August.  One of the questions was "Describe why you want to visit the orphans?" and I answered, "I can't imagine not going back."

There are two reason I feel going back isn't even an option for me.  One is that my future son is only a drop in the bucket of the orphan crisis.

I've heard this phrase a lot when I tell people that we are on the list to adopt from Ethiopia.

"You are going to change that kid's whole future."

It's true, and I get goosebumps thinking about what God (not I) am doing in our son's life.

But the fact is that their are millions of orphans in the world that will never get the chance to be adopted.  If you go with the most conservative number, 17.8 million children have lost both their mother and father.  The amount of children that have been adopted in the last decade through international adoption is around 178,000 adoptions.  If you make that into a ratio, it means that less than 1% of those orphans are adopted into a family.

More than 99% of the world's orphans will never be adopted.

Knowing that fact, I can't help but do all the big and little things God sets before me to care for orphans that will never be adopted.

Honestly, I saw needs in the orphanages that were not being met.  I will continue to try to help meet those needs until I hear an audible voice of God telling me to stop.

It is clear to me from God's word that continuing to try to meet the needs of those parentless children is what we as Christians are suppose to be doing.

The second reason I can't imagine not going back is the book of Acts.  If you haven't got out your Bible and read through Acts lately, do it.  Do it, and ask yourself it the early church reminds you of your body of believers.  Most likely you will see some things you and your church are getting right, but you will also be convicted of some things your church is missing the mark on.

Specifically Acts 4:32-37 where it describes the early church sharing their earthy possessions until "there was not a needy person among them" has really opened some serious debate in my head and made my heart so sensitive to the needs of other believers.

On our trip we met the most beautiful, sweet, Christian family.  This family was only a mom and her son, Samuel.  They were both HIV+ and living in a 100 square feet home of corrugated metal and cardboard.  Knowing that this family and I were part of the same Bride of Christ broke my heart in a way that I cannot explain.  This woman was dealing with a serious illness, depression, raising a teenage son with a serious illness, and she was doing it all with less earthly possessions than my 4 year old.

I knew God was taking care of her, and I knew the hope of Jesus was more real to her than most Christians.  But now that I had meet this family, these believers in His church, I knew I was responsible to now live my life like I knew about them, no longer in ignorance of their existence.

Faces are covered out of respect for privacy.

If there is anything I can do to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ in Ethiopia, I feel I have the responsibility to do it.  Visiting them is encouragement.  Praying for them is encouragement.  Giving is encouragement.  Our mission trip in August will allow me to do all three of these things.

Now that I've told you why I can't imagine not going back to Ethiopia again this August, think about if you can image going.  We have 6 people who have signed up for this trip, and I know God has a few more He is calling to go along with us.  Let me know if that might be you.

I hope I can be the kind of friend you call when the rice is running thin.

My biggest sin

***I wrote this for the IF:Amarillo blog a few weeks ago. I thought I would post it here. Only 4 more days until we will gather for IF:Amarillo!***

I’ll start out by telling you that I’m a goody, goody. (Do you remember being called that? Or calling someone that? I don’t think kids say that anymore, but they did back in the day.)

I got saved when I was 12, and I don’t have one of those “wild seed” testimonies. Sometimes I’m even jealous of those of you who do.

There’s no smoking, drinking, or drugs in my past. Both of my grandfather’s were abusive alcoholics. So I sore off drinking even before I was even a Christian. After my life progressed into a life of ministry at Citychurch ministering to kids and teens, drinking just didn’t fit the ministry God gave me. No judgement. I just don’t.

I married the first guy I dated. Even more goody, goody, I married a home schooler. Our pre-married dating was not Duggar-extreme, but it wasn’t far off.

I could keep playing “I’ve never” game longer, but I’ll get to the “I’ve.”

Worry.

Worry has been the biggest struggle for my in my sin life from day one. It’s my fleshly goto response to almost any situation, good or bad. (That’s right. I can even worry about good news.)

Here’s the thing about worry. It’s a big sin. Definitely bigger than all those “big” sins this goody, goody girl avoided.

When I worry, I’m telling God that I don’t believe He can handle my problems. When I worry, I am living like an atheist would live. I’m breaking God’s first commandments about worshiping Him and only Him.

So what does this have to do with IF? A lot.

Let’s plan an event for 500 women. My response, 500 worries pop in my head.

So let me take you back to the Jan. 4th IF:Amarillo Leadership meeting. How many women do we have signed up? About 38. Has anyone donated money? No.

Bam. Worry overload.

It’s been about a week since that meeting, and God is moving. Women are responding. We have a little money in the bank.

You would think it would be easy not to worry now. The tides are turning. But I’m good at worry.

I’ve learned that I have to physically, mentally, and spiritually decide not to worry. I have to stop myself as soon as it starts and make my brain head in the other direction.

It’s like a Christian guy faced with a Victoria Secret ad. If they are doing the right thing, they’re going to stop and flee like Joseph.

Worry is the mistress I have to flee from.

Do you have something you are worried about? It’s not easy to stop and flee those thoughts. God will reward you for trusting him. He loves giving us Faith. He has an endless supply to handout to us every time we need to trust Him.

Faith is the antidote to worry. Fortunately for us, Faith is the exact thing we will be learning more about at this year’s IF:Gathering. All of the IF sessions will center around the life of Joshua and his incredible faith in God’s promises. You won’t want to miss it.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.” I Peter 5:6-9 ESV

File this song under "world's most popular artist that you've probably never heard of."  James made me watch a whole documentary about the Swedish House Mafia selling out festival size concerts all over the world.  I still don't understand the extent of mass appeal this band has, but the song is pretty catchy.

Toddlers and Second Toddlers

I'm a little sleepy right now.  I messed up my night of sleep with a 5am "parenting panic."  Please, please someone comment that you've had at least one of these, so I can know I am not alone in my craziness.

Parenting panics hit me about 2-5 times a year.  Let me describe what my parenting panics entails.  Basically, I wake up from a dead sleep somewhere in between 3am and 6am in panic mode about one of my kiddos, convinced that there is something I'm getting wrong parenting wise.  I lay there unable to go back to sleep.  Sometimes I'll pray.  Sometimes I wake up my husband.  (Please feel sorry for him.  5am parenting convos.  Isn't he the lucky one?)  Most of the time I snoop on their electronics.  I check their phone or computer history.  I feel bad for doing it, that I am am not trusting them more.  Then I try to remind myself that a good parent would monitor their internet, right?  Usually I feel better about 30 min. to an hour later.  I go back to sleep.  The end.

My kids ages are really spread out.  My oldest is 16 years old and my youngest is 4.  I've been told that the teenage years are just the second toddlerhood.  It's true, but yet it's not completely true.  And it is so hard to navigate the when and where of giving freedom and setting down rules.  It is fuzzy for me, and I like black and white.

Yesterday I did something I don't usually do.  I bought fruit snacks.  Back when my oldest was a toddler, I thought I was good at reading food labels because I had been to Weight Watchers, and I bought fruit snacks all the time.  Now I know those things are just candy.  But yesterday my 4 year old's eyes lit up at the store and I said, "Yes, but you can only have one pack a day."

We get home and he throws his 4 year old fit over the fact that he only gets one pack.  We talk it over again, and he finally understands that he is only getting one pack a day.

I wish you could see him run in first thing this morning, one sock, wet pull-up, hair standing up like he's all electrical current, running and yelling, "I want a fruit snack."

He knew he could have one today, and he was going to blow his wad first rattle out of the sack.  I had to laugh.

Right now my 16 year old is at her public high school, and when she gets home, we are going to have a "parenting pow wow."  (Anyone have those?  Come on, I know you guys do.)

This parenting pow wow is going to start with me admitting I was wrong.  We had a parenting pow wow Monday in which we told our girl that we thought she was old enough to take responsibility for her online class that she is taking to make sure she graduates on time.

Really what was going on was I was tired of doling out reminders to do her online class the same way I am doling out those fruit snacks, one pack a day.

We tried giving her freedom (because I wanted my freedom,) and my 5am parenting panic was me realizing she wasn't ready for it.  That I had handed it off because I was tired of being the watchdog, but she's 16 and still needs a her mom to nag her into doing the right thing.  Ugh.  But I hate being the nag.

Having a teenager is hard.  I would wish for them to stay 4, but that age is hard too.  (I need to tell you my 1am scissor scare story from last week.)

You can also feel sorry for my middle child, because he hasn't even been mentioned.

I kid, but, honestly, I married a middle child, 

and they are the best.  I'm an oldest, and usually I'm 

more sick of myself than Jan is of Marcia.

Parenting is a real job, but you don't get to go home from it.  Right now I need to remind myself about GRACE.  Because I need some grace now.  I need some grace at 5am, and I'm going to need extra grace at my afterschool parenting pow wow today.

I have Psalm 145 marked in my Bible as one of my goto parenting scriptures.  I love that verse four says, "One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts." ESV

It is our main job as parents to commend the Lord and make sure that our children, the next generation, will also commend the Lord and declare His mighty acts.

Gosh, that's it?  Easy peasy.  Um.  Not.

So I am thankful that Psalm 145 verses 8 and 9 say, "The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.  The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made." ESV

Thank you, God, for your grace and mercy.  Boy, do I need it.  Help me to be more like you, Lord, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

Enjoy this song from the Parenthood series finale last night.  I've loved this song forever.  James and I played it during our slide show at our wedding.  If you don't think Bob Dylan is the best songwriter ever, I will strongly disagree with you until my dying day.

I can't believe people drink that!

When my husband James was growing up his parents told him the funniest lie.  Are you ready for this?

Beer is made out of horse pee.

It's so hilarious because it is totally believable.  It looks like it could be true, and almost every beer tv commercial in the 80's featured a cowboy or a running horse in a field.  And just think of the froth.

James's dad hated beer.  He had come from an alcoholic home where his dad would leave for periods of time to party and come home mad at everyone.  He said he would always be gone for nearly a week and then come home in a new pair of Levi's, kick the furniture around, and yell at everyone, "Where in the hell have you been?"

So the beer = horse pee lie probably seemed like a good idea.

Just like the old summer camp lies of lean on the counter and you'll get a rash or pee in the pool and it will turn blue, it's prevention of behavior through silly dishonesty.

So when James started telling our kids that beer was horse pee at an early age, I went along with it.  Because funny trumps almost everything in my head and I'm not a fan of beer either.

Just like James and his brother and sister, our kids totally believed it.  Our oldest, Lucy, is a smart one.  She figured out our falsehood pretty quickly.  Our middle child, Andrew, doesn't question things the way Lucy did.  Which lead to a pretty awkward family reunion encounter.  Sorry, Aunt Jackie!

Aunt Jackie (with horror on her face and a beer in her hand):  Did you tell him that beer was horse pee? 

Andrew:  IT IS! 

Me:  Um..... I did.  Well.  Um.

I still feel pretty bad about that one.  But it was funny.  And funny trumps almost anything, Right?  If you know my Aunt Jackie, I think she probably agrees with me.  She laughs more than anyone I know.

Now that you know I lied to my kids about beer, you probably think I'm a parenting genius or a you might be considering reporting me to CPS.  Either way, my kids are going to have a pretty tough time not thinking about horse pee the first time someone offers them a cold one.

My kid's bff's mom's thyroids

This morning I woke up and poured my heart out to God in intercessory prayer for my friend Courtney.  She is having surgery this morning to have her right thyroid removed.  She has a growth, and the biopsy was inconclusive.  As I am writing this, they are removing the thyroid, and then they will be able to tell if it contains thyroid cancer.

Courtney's son is my son's best friend.  This fact makes these events strangely familiar.

My daughter's best friend's mom had the same surgery five years ago.  Her mom's name is Terri.

So whomever my youngest son decides to choose as his best friend.  I feel it would only be fair to warn that boy's mother to keep an eye on her thyroid.

I will never forget the day Terri called me to let me know that she needed her thyroid removed.  I vividly remember being outside cleaning the above ground pool when she called.  I stopped and just let my feet be in the water while I let this serious news sink in and quizzed her on the details of her needed surgery and the possibility of thyroid cancer.

The news that Terri could possibly have thyroid cancer was an even deeper sting because of Terri's circumstances.  Terri's husband Sal was in the very advanced stage of early onset alzheimer's.  Terri and Sal were a few years older than me, but he was very young to be at the stage of alzheimer's that he was at.  It was very certain that, unless God performed a miracle, the girls would be losing their dad soon.  The girls needed their mom.

So I was praying to God even as Terri was giving me the details on the phone, begging God to take the cancer off the table.

Terri told me that because of the timing with insurance coverage, she was going to have to postpone her surgery until she had enough cash to pay for her thyroid to be removed.  I had God on three way, and I was telling Him that this was unacceptable.  If she might have cancer in that thyroid, it needed to be removed as soon as possible.

God answered all of those prayers.  God provided the money for her surgery.  And although the thyroid did have cancer, Terri has been cancer free for years.  The girls lost their dad very soon after that surgery, but they have had their mom.

So I remind myself that God can answer my prayers this morning as I intercede for Courtney.

Courtney's circumstances are different than Terri's but also quite sober.  The same week Courtney realized that she had the growth on her thyroid, her daughter Sydney, who was having digestive problems and stomach pain, was given the a diagnosis of pancreas cancer.  Cydney is only 19, and it is extremely rare form of cancer.

Intercessory prayer is not an easy thing.  We are selfish and self-absorbed creatures.  Sometimes we don't take other people's requests seriously.  We hear their requests and weigh the need in our mind before we take it to the Lord.  We decide how much God, how much faith, how much prayer the request needs.

I'm extremely guilty of this in the classes where I teach children.  They raise their hands and ask for things like "my grandpa is sick" and "my dog ran away."  Well how old is your grandpa?  How sick is he?  How long has that pet been gone?  Do you have other pets?

If I'm honest with myself, I do this with adults too.  I see prayer requests on social media all of the time.  Sometimes I drop to my knees, and sometimes I hit like and send up a "Yea, answer that, God."

Sometimes we are just to immature to understand how serious a request is.  I remember when I was just a teenager and an adult friend from church called to tell me about his dad's cancer.  The conversation went on for quite a while, and as he was talking, I got sucked into the tv show that was playing in the background.  Not one of my proudest moments, but my immaturity is my defense.  I had no scope of the seriousness of what this man was going through.

Imagine the maturity and wisdom Cydney will have after God brings her through this trial at such a young age.

Yes, intercessory prayer is hard, but it is beautifully gratifying.  Although we naturally are self-involved, it feels wonderful to pray for someone else and watch God answer those prayers.  We get to be the cheerleader, the wall watcher (Isaiah 62:6-7.)  We get to take our eyes off ourselves and become invested in what God is doing in our neighbors lives.

Can I ask you to do something for me?  Enjoy this worship and pray for Courtney and Cydney.  Pray that the thyroid will not contain cancer.  Pray God will heal Cydney.  Pray for her surgery on February 12th.  Pray for Courtney's husband Chris.  This is a tough time having both his wife and daughter facing serious illness.

"You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:11

UPDATE:  I received a text from my friend Courtney.  It was noncancerous.  No more surgeries.  No more meds.  Just healing.  God has answered prayers.

But I want one

Yesterday I did something fun and rewarding, but it also made me realize I'm still such a brat.  James and I got to go shopping for supplies for him to take on his mission trip to South Sudan.  This is James's second trip to South Sudan, and he will be staying in a school that also houses orphans living in the capital city.

South Sudan has captured my heart for a few different reason.  The first one is that God used James's first trip to South Sudan two years ago to call us to adoption.  That trip changed the course of our lives.  Every decision we've made in the last two years has been put through the filter of our adoption.

My brothers and sisters in Christ.  This is the church James attended in 2012.

The second reason I love South Sudan is that we've made friends with the South Sudanese refugees here in our city.  Lual and Diana Majok are on fire to reach and disciple our city of Amarillo.  They are an inspiration to me.

Watch this video to meet Lual (He's at 4 1/2 minutes in.):


Who is my neighbor? from Citychurch Amarillo on Vimeo.


Watch this video to meet his wife Diana (She's at 6 minutes in.):


Merry Christmas From Citychurch from Citychurch Amarillo on Vimeo.

Doesn't Diana handing out tracks and videos to Muslim refugees at her job at Tyson foods inspire you?  It does me!  She's amazing.  I wish you could meet their five smart and beautiful children, too.

The third reason I have such a heart full of love for South Sudan is the stories I've heard of the Lost Boys and of their tribal wars.  Most recently, I've been inspired by this movie that was released this year.  If you haven't seen it, you need to watch it.  (Make sure you have some Kleenex handy!)

Clearly I love South Sudan.  I love the people.  I love the children.  I was excited to go to the store and buy goodies, medicine, and other things that would meet the physical needs of the children that James will be ministering to on his trip.

School and orphanage in South Sudan.  This is where the supplies are going.

Let me tell you where the problem came shopping last night.

I was walking around Target, and I couldn't stop myself from seeing objects I wanted.  It was complete ridiculous.  I was buying bandaids and pencils for orphans, and I couldn't help looking at stuff that I wanted.

I need for nothing, and these children need for almost everything.  Oh but the dishes.  And the pillows.  And the hair products.  And all the cute things.  I'm looking around thinking, that would be so perfect on my desk?

What is wrong with me?  Why am I still so wrapped up in consumerism?  I've spent the last few years reevaluating and realigning my materialism, and I'm still so easily sucked in.

After reading Jen Hatmaker's book Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess in 2012, completing the study and fasts from her book in 2013, going to Ethiopia in 2014, I am still struggling.

I'll tell you what my problem is.  I'm a sinner.  Romans 3:23 tells us that we all have sinned.  I'll never measure up.

This is what Jesus told me to do:

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21 ESV

And He said:

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." Matthew 6:24 ESV

But I am looking around Target at earthly treasures and loving them.  Why can't I just treasure those sweet little South Sudanese children?  Why can't I just treasure my Savior?

Well, I'm repenting here.  And I am asking the Lord to continue to sanctify me.  I want to serve God and not money.  I want to be a slave to obedience and not a slave to sin.

"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification. 

For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:15-23 ESV

You may be thinking, "Jennifer, you are being a little hard on yourself.  It's ok to decorate your desk and home.  We need stuff to live."  Let me tell you, I was there.  I felt where my heart was, and it was wrong.  This is such a battle for me, but I am going to continue to strive to please Him.  What Jesus asked us to do was radical and challenging.  It was black or white.  It was something I'll never completely get right here on Earth, but giving Him my whole heart is something to aim for.  Striving to serve only Him is a worthwhile goal.